The Tactless Daughter

I will admit that I am not the most tactful person, however I will try my best whenever I can not to blurt out something which should be kept to the inner confines of my mind. It appears that Flo, or any toddler for that matter, must not learn the knack of being tactful until at least secondary school.

I showed a nice example of tact the other morning when the Jam-eater woke me up by announcing that she needed a poo, to be honest she probably got that habit from me as I love to announce when I need to ‘drop the bronze sausage’. I was patiently awaiting the war cry of ‘Wipe my bum please Daddy’ but it never came, success! Flo bounded into the bedroom completely starkers letting me know that she had wiped her arse for the first time – I couldn’t have been more pleased or prouder. 

Flo jumped up onto the bed and at that point she stumbled forward and as she was getting back to her feet I found myself staring down the barrel of the stinkiest arse gun ever, it then became very apparent that she had just smeared the poo around he arse cheeks. My view resembled two boiled eggs that have been placed onto a punched in chocolate fudge cake, there was shit everywhere. Here I employed the tactfulness that I was talking about earlier and said ‘you might have missed a tiny bit, come on we will sort it out’ perfect, no feelings hurt and she still perseveres in wiping her own bum.
Now Flo really needs learn this skill very soon as a day or two later we were walking through the park next to our house when we came across loads of volunteers tidying the park which is next to our house and the Jam-eater was very impressed with all the luminous vests that they were wearing. Turns out it was various men doing community service as I could see by the van and I wasn’t particularly wanting to explain the details of this when she asked so I just said ’Oh, its just the bad lads’. 40 minutes later on the way home we walk past two vans with the very same luminous vest clad men in it all peacefully enjoying their lunch, this is when the tact factor would have been awesome for Flo to employ. ‘LOOK DADDY, IT’S THE BAD LADS! LOOK!’. My face went a perfect shade of ‘For fucks sake red’ and I scurried past into our street and quickly through the front door.

I mentioned this to Emma when she revealed she had also had a dose of the’ Tactless Daughter’. While queuing in the supermarket a day or so earlier a young girl with really short hair opened the checkout next to her, apparently when Emma said ‘Come on lets go to this lady’ a barrage of ‘NO THATS A BOY!’ continued for several minutes while our shopping was packed away. Apparently this outing also featured several loud comments regarding a gentleman’s prosthetic leg.

Pleased to say though that although the toilet announcing still has continued (rightly so) the smearing has now turned into a half decent wipe.



One thought on “The Tactless Daughter

  1. Ha ha ha! Kids never fail to embarrass us which is why we turn the tables on them and make them cringe until their vertebrae fuse when they are teenagers. When he was just about three, my oldest son would scold anyone he saw smoking with shouts of, “You’re going to DIE!” The worst time though was at the swimming pool in a changing cubicle. He was loudly commentating about my naked body as I got dried and dressed and I told him to hush. Then he, even more loudly just to ensure that every single person in the building could hear, he bellowed, “Mummy, show me again the hole where the baby came out!” I was dying of a giddy mixture of panic and embarrassment, knowing full well the very worrying conclusion most people would be leaping to. I, therefore, had no choice but to raise my voice several million decibels to reply, “This is my C-SECTION SCAR!”


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