Blackmail AKA Festive Parenting

I like Christmas time but I tend to ignore it the best I can until December, however now the trees are beginning to pop up around town (quite why I have no idea, it is still the middle of November) the festive period is beginning to creep in slowly with secret Santa gifts to find, nights out to plan around and presents to organise.  I’m not a scrooge by any means I just don’t like stretching it out from April as some people seem to do, although red cup coffees should be allowed for sale all year round.

What I lack in premature Christmas excitement however, I more than make up for with the prospective child blackmail opportunities Christmas allows to help make life with the Jam-eater that little bit easier.  Allow me to introduce an app that is simply called ‘Santa Claus’, my god it’s a festive godsend.  Throughout the year my most used apps are probably the same as most of you reading this – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Grindr and Snapchat.  I learned of this Santa Claus app last year and I have never looked back since, by god blackmail shouldn’t be this good or rewarding

You can get it here:











This morning the Jam-eater decided she was going to be a proper dick when Emma was trying to get her into the bath, literally throwing herself about the place.  What else was a Daddy to do but reach into his trousers (behave girls!) and get his phone with the aforementioned app installed.  Not thirty seconds later a fake phone call from Santa himself was received in which he mentioned that Flo was now on the naughty list and he will be keeping an eye on her to make sure she behaves and he will then place her back on the good list.  Her face dropped quicker than the markets did the morning after Brexit. The result was an impeccably behaved Jam-eater for the next 20 minutes while she was bathed and had her hair washed.  As she was finishing getting sorted ‘Santa’ called back to let her know she was firmly back on the ‘Nice list’ – Daddy 1 Flo 0.

A few of you may think it’s a bit of a dick move blackmailing a child, however I bet more of you download the app and try it out.  I try not to think of it as blackmail, more the fact I am using a lie which we all tell our children anyway and just use it to make life a little easier.  The best thing is I think it is actually getting Flo more excited for Christmas knowing she can influence her presents by being good or bad.

Anyway that’s the last Christmas talk for a few weeks until December… I say this as some neighbours are putting their decorations up as we speak.  Am I allowed to put a card through their door or something to remind them its still 6 weeks away?  However, should anyone wish to convince me why I should put my decorations up earlier I am all ears.

Have a great week!


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