I have the worst super power in history. Superman has flying, heat vision and superhuman strength, Batman has superb detective skills and is pretty tasty in a fight and Wonder Woman has a lasso of truth and a weaponised tiara. Mine? I have Twat Magnet.
What’s a Twat Magnet? Well this is the ability, in public spaces, to attract the attention of anyone who is a bit of a twat really. You know the sort, the people who either want to hit you, be a bit weird or the most common is people who just want to talk to you about something completely shite or irrelevant. I first noticed the Twat Magnet working when I started going to concerts when I was 17ish, it didn’t matter if it was a stadium concert with 80,000 other people or a small venue with a couple of hundred other people I would always attract the attention of a weird/drunk/stoned/overly keen person. A great example of this is ‘Richard’ from the ‘Inbetweeners Movie who they meet on holiday’, I’ve popped a quick video of him below if you haven’t seen it.
Why you ask is this relevant? Well we noticed something new about the Jam-Eater today. Now I will categorically state I am not calling her a twat, I need that to be abundantly clear, however her new behaviour made me think back to all those concerts where you would attract undue attention just by making basic eye contact. If we are doing anything simple at the minute, be it shopping or anything out in public the worst thing you can do as an onlooker is to make eye contact with the Jam-Eater. If you do however don’t expect a quick escape.
Today for instance we were in the supermarket at the checkout and Flo was vying for the attention of the woman behind us and as soon as eye contact was established the Jam-eater immediately started speaking so fast about her new toy leopard that she was holding in her hand the woman looked slightly dazed. The lady started to chat politely back to Flo, that was a mistake she won’t make again in a hurry. The conversation, albeit one sided, continued further and at a quicker pace as she was now telling her victim, sorry the lady in the shop, about her afternoon at her Grandad’s house. It was a bit like when you get stuck with a hyperactive and talkative drunk when you on a night out on the beer and you just want to get home or at least a safe distance away from them.
In fact, day to day, toddlers pretty much resemble these drunks at the best of times and most things you say to a drunk you can bet you have said to a toddler, here are some examples.
‘We wee in the toilet, not in the street’
‘I am not playing that song again. We have listened to it 8 times already’
‘Stop looking at me like that’
‘We don’t hit. Hitting is bad’
‘Why are you holding your bits? Do you need to wee?’
So there you go, the next time you make eye contact with a child in the supermarket, beware. Its probably going to bring on a flashback of the time you spoke to a drunk woman in a grotty late night takeaway while buying a kebab and you couldn’t escape from her for a good two hours before you have to dive into a taxi to escape while she drunk calls her ex. Nope just me then?