The Vomit Comet

There are a few things in life I can’t handle. DIY SOS:The Big Build makes me well up like a little bitch, the Comic Sans font disturbs me and Vomit is my kryptonite. I can’t deal with this part of parenting, the acrid smell of it hits my throat and makes me want to vomit too, if I was in a room full of clones of me one would throw up and the rest would follow suit very quickly.  

Emma is my biggest hero after on one summers day Flo decided to projectile vomit in the car onto the back of herheadrest and back of herhead. She didn’t even gag once!. See, not all heroes wear capes! I was just a big gagging mess who couldn’t open all the windows fast enough. 

Flo had a bit of a tummy bug the other day and after sneaking into bed with us at 5.51am she decided to throw up in between Emma and I. Nothing major but it was enough to make my eyes water. An hour or so later she blew chunks big style in the living room, I plodded to the washing machine with Flo’s soaked clothes at arms length, trying not to breathe the smell in. I won’t lie I was a canny shade of blue by the time the clothes were in the wash! After that the Jam-eater perked right up and we though we would head out that afternoon for some fresh air and to pick up some shopping.  

Flo had a nice nap in the car and we rolled up to Sainsbury’s with a nicely rested little girl. About 20 metres later and Flo is having a  Technicolour Yawn right in from of the cash machines. Emma took Flo back to the car and gets her stripped off of her barf covered clothes and I walk into the supermarket, past the stinking vomit, to the customer service desk.  

‘Hello, I think someone’s child might have massively vomited outside’ I exclaimed to the woman, lying through my teeth. ‘Ok, I’ll happily get it sorted for you’ she replied, probably also lying through her teeth. I plodded around the little girls clothes aisle and quickly picked out some clothes for Flo to wear. 

I paid at the checkout and walked back to the car, new clothes in hand. Unfortunately this meant walking past the same woman who I had lied to ten minutes earlier who was now scraping the Jam-eaters regurgitated breakfast off the pavement. She looked a bit miffed if I’m totally honest. However, if she turned her head another 90 degrees she would have also been greeted by Flo dancing naked in the window of a Nissan Note with a bit of vomit still on her chin. She got some moves I tell you! 

Flo is much better after that little episode and judging by the amount of Jammy Dodgers she packed away later that afternoon, she has no further symptoms. 

Also, a massive sorry to the lady in Sainsburys for lying to you.  If it’s any consolation you did a great job cleaning up Flo’s sick off the floor. Respect. 


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