A Nursery Rhyme Of Ice And Fire

I was sat watching Game Of Thrones on Monday night (ooooh that ending!) and you can’t really argue that it’s the most popular programme in the world at the moment for grown ups. Then I started wondering what a children’s version would be like, this interest was peaked by a reimagining of the opening sequence by Ben and Holly’s Magic Kindgom. You can watch the closest we will ever get to these two worlds colliding here. 

Below are four of the major characters from Game of Thrones and the four possible kids characters that could play them. 

Daddy Pig / King Robert Baratheon

 One of the above is famous for sleeping around, drinking his weight in wine and fathering several illegitimate bastard children, the other is King Robert from Game Of Thrones.  I joke of course.  

Daddy Pig is always the butt of Mammy Pigs jokes and does well to hold it together throughout the taunts about him being fat and useless.  King Robert doesn’t muck about and just beheads the plebs.

Robert Baratheon: Your mother was a dumb whore with a fat ass, did you know that?

Daddy Pig: I don’t have a special box. But I know a very good place to hide my custard doughnut.

 Nanny Plum / Melisandre 

Nanny Plum is the sharp tongued and often misunderstood fairy from Ben and Holly’s Magic Kingdom.  She would be a perfect fit for Game Of Thrones resident Witch.

She attracts the men, she has obvious sexual tension with the Wise Old Elf and she isn’t shy in her flirty ways while wielding her fairy magic. The only problem with Nanny Plum is that she hasn’t produced a ghostly assassin from her front bum and she doesn’t walk around the Magic Kingdom, like Melisandre does, with her tits hanging out.  Maybe not such a good fit after all. 

Nanny Plum: ‘Won’t it be boring for you, Princess Holly? Watching a lot of sweaty little elves running about?’

Melisandre: ‘Death is coming for everyone and everything … a darkness that will swallow the dawn’

Errrrrr…maybe tone it down a bit for the kids dear. 

George Pig / Danearys Targarean

Both of these characters are keepers of mythical beasts.  Daenerys has a clutch of Dragons, and George a large green dinosaur.  

I think this is where the comparison will end for these two to be fair.  Daenerys spent the first two seasons of Game Of Throne getting shagged all over by a Dothraki King, eating hearts from dead horses and making her way in the world as the ‘Mother of Dragons’. George just walks around the place whining like a little bitch, playing with his best friend from the Jurassic period. 

Daenerys Targaryen: I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, of the blood of Old Valyeria. I am the dragon’s daughter, and I swear to you that those who would harm you will die screaming. 

George Pig: Oink! Oink!

Joffrey Baratheon / Norman Price

Norman price from Fireman Sam is a little shit and deserves so much more than a finger waggle of a telling off from his mother, Dilys. This kid deserves a good kicking from his peers and honestly should have been locked up in a Young Offenders Institute by now. One episode he set fire to a building, he’s a fu**king pyromaniac and I have a severe distaste for him.

Joffrey has killed his future wife’s Dad, made her look at his head on a spike, killed a whore with a crossbow, ordered mass executions , ran away from battle and belittled everyone he ever met. You know what, I hold Norman and Joffrey on the same level, perhaps Bronn the sell-sword( 50% of pop duo Robson and Jerome) was right ‘There is no cure for being a c**t’. 

Norman: Jingle bells, Dusty smells, Norman’s on his way!

Joffrey: Everyone is mine to torment! You’d do well to remember that, you little monster. 

I’m sure there are loads of characters I could of used but I didn’t want to end up with a 20,000 word post. If you have any more comparisons please add them to the comments, would be great to hear from you all.