Emma and I have discovered lately, a hidden feature of the Jam-eater which we didn’t know existed and certainly wasn’t in the instruction manual for her. This extra feature, named the ‘Shitbag Switch’, flicks on and makes Flo misbehave. I beleive this switch can only be activated in certain surroundings and it only appears to deactivate whenever she gets what she wants or she performs a master reset on herself by falling asleep. The second situation rarely happens to be honest and a master reset must be manually performed by either giving in to whichever demand she has at that time (this increases the risk of having a spoilt child), or by simply marching out of the environment. The environment in question is any kind of shop, shopping centre or retail park.
Both Emma and I are working the bulk of this Bank Holiday weekend, so while we had the chance, we had a look along to Teesside Retail Park for a quick run out and actually spend some time together this weekend. The bad thing with the ‘Shitbag Switch’ is that it is remotely activated as soon as the Jam-eater enters any shopping centre, retail park or corner shop. As soon as we left the car, an argument ensued about wearing her coat. This was quickly resolved, but it took negotiational skills on a par with the United Nations. Ban Ki-Moon should be offering us a job to be fair. In the end all it took was the simple act of letting her put her Peppa Pig figures in her pocket.
The first stop was Asda Home. The ‘Shitbag Switch’ appears to be well and truly fu**ed at this point in time and we find ourselves negotiating/pleading with Flo in a dark corner of the store which appears to be inhabited by a shitload of four foot tall Garden Gnomes. I apologise if you have one of these in your garden, or worse still in your home, but you really need to have a good word with yourself.
Mothercare was next on the agenda and to be honest it wasn’t as painful as it could have been, thanks to the fact they leave toys out for the kiddies to play with so Flo was well entertained at least. Upon leaving there was an Ice Cream van parked about 100 yards away which the Jam-eater noticed immediately. Due to her behaviour, the chances of her getting an ice cream were about the same as my chances of finding rocking horse shit. This is where we told a tiddly white lie.
‘Can I have an Ice Cream please Mammy?’ Flo asked sheepishly.
‘You haven’t been a good girl today, sorry, maybe another day’ replies Emma
This is where the shit was really going to hit the fan, you could tell the ‘Shitbag Switch’ was still active and some quick thinking/lying was needed.
‘Can I have an Ice Cream please Daddy?’ Ah, the old ‘play the parent off each other’ method, not today my little Padawan.
‘Sorry Flo, that’s the Meat Van. He only sells meat and gravy I’m afraid’ Amazingly Flo accepted this as the truth and the walk back to the car was peaceful as it could have been.
As soon as we were back in the car and on the A66 heading towards home the ‘Shitbag Switch’ deactivated and she has since reverted back to the loving, funny little girl she usually is. Flo is far away from being a spoilt little shit but shops and retail parks don’t half bring out the worst in her. I think we will steer clear of shops and concentrate on parks and walks much more for a while until the ‘Shitbag Switch’ stops working. Ikea wil have to wait because that is an experience in itself with the Jam-eater and that’s a different story for a different day.
Enjoy your Bank Holiday weekend!