The Must (Not) Have Toys of 2016

It’s the Jam-eaters birthday in a few short weeks, so today the hunt for a perfect present or two commenced.  Emma had mentioned some Playmobil toys would be a nice idea as Flo loves to chatter and play with her little Peppa Pig figures.  Little does she know when she is tucked up in bed all asleep, I like to get all her toys out and make them all gang up on Daddy Pig.  I really don’t like Daddy Pig  Anyway, where was I?

Yes, Playmobil that was it.  I googled away and found loads of awesome sets she will love and then I remembered when we were in Hamleys a couple of months ago there were some bizarre sets I remember spotting.  So I set too it,  googled them and found the below play sets, you can also get airport security and a bank robber set.  I think I will pass.


So, this led me to google further any other inappropriate toys that manufacturers have released.  For the most part, with the exception of Japan, toys seem to have been vetted to make sure toys are sutable for kids. However, some appear to have slipped the process and ended up on shelves and bought by unsuspecting parents.   I have found some of the most bizarre and put them here for your enjoyment / displeasure.

 ET Finger Light


 I Have a funny feeling that when this toy was received on Christmas Day 1982 this ended up in a lot of Mammy’s knicker drawers by New Years Day.  I Mean, its only an aliens finger isn’t it?   How this slipped passed the quality control folks is beyond me and the fact that nobody thought for one second that it looked like an old man’s todger amazes me.  Apparently this was replaced soon after by a whole ET hand version rather than just the finger.


Wolverine’s inflatable


 If ever there was a case of bad planning it was this one.  Wolverine is the housewife’s favourite superhero, thanks in no part to Hugh Jackman taking the lead title in the X Men and Wolverine movies.  Its usually the Dad’s job to set up kids toys, however I think a few more mothers would be forthcoming if this was Hugh Jackman.  While we are on the subject of superheroes, I feel sorry for anyone having to explain the next superhero toy to their kids.


Spiderman’s Web


There are no words to even explain this one, so I won’t.


Playdough Poo


This toy is shit.  Literally.  To be completely honest this is a toy I would have loved when I was a kid, the fun you could have with this toy would be limitless.  I’d have been leaving little shits everywhere, oh who am I kidding I would love this now im in my thirties and would have great fun placing lovingly crafted shits on fellow workmates desks. 


Toddler Teeth Dolls


 These are freaky little fu**ers aren’t they.  Basically when your little ones lose their teeth you pop them into this crazy doll/toy/monster and reproduce the toddler set of teeth to keep for  prosperity.  Now call me unsentimental, call me boring, but Flo will be getting 50p a tooth and they will be disposed of, not rammed in the head of toy that looks like a shifty alien. 

 Dora Aqua Toy


Your all old enough and twisted enough to use your own imagination for this one.

 Shave the Baby Doll


Among all the different weirdest and most bizarre toys, this one from Japan definitely beats them all. This ‘shave the baby’ doll comes with disturbing underarm hair, ankle hair, as well as hair in the pubic region.  There are no words. 


After all of that its safe to say that Emma and I will now be plodding along to Smyths or Toys’r’us to pick a more suitable present for the Jam-eater’s birthday.  There are so many odd toys that have been coming out over the years I have merely scratched the surface.  I have left out a whole bunch of bad toys such as Hitler Action Figures, STD fluffy toys, toddler strip poles (I’m not even kidding!) and even God himself, who was manufactured as a Chuck Norris style action figure.

Hope you enjoyed these bizarre toys, I’m  off now to order a Poo Play-doh set for myself and an ET Finger Torch for Emma.




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