The Things They Don’t Tell You 

It’s fair to say that you change a lot when you’re a parent.  I mean there are the usual emotional and maturity traits which you pick up and you expect.  
For instance, I’m a right emotional knobhead now and I am unable to watch DIY SOS: The Big Build without my eyes leaking a bit.  It’s the things that no one tells you about which are the changes that would make much more sense to be preached to you before your child is born rather than the usual gubbins. 

 
The biggest change with myself since Flo was born is that I have a massive sense of pride about my little family, I love them I do.  I had no sense of achievement before Flo was born and it’s sad to say that one of my proudest moments in life, up to that point, was that I managed to go temporarily blind in one eye while straining to push a poo out at work one day.  I’m so happy that  my life has so much more meaning and purpose now (I think that last sentence tells you all you need to know about me really).

‘Parent Bloggers’ love to give advice. I don’t, because let’s be honest I find it hard to take anything too seriously, however I have decided upon the four points below as key valuable titbits that should be rolled out at those NHS ‘Parentcraft’ classes your expected to attend.

Now you Talk to strangers

I never expected this and it took a while to get used to if I’m honest.  It starts out as people comment on your new baby being pushed proudly in her pram around shops and you chatter back all proud and happy. A couple years down the line however, I will talk to anyone if they as much as glance at me.  To be fair, if your stuck with the Jam-Eater for a few hours you’re usually clamming for a bit of normal conversation at this point.

 You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you’ll be late

Soppy but true this one.  They say the best thing to get you set up for the day ahead is a big breakfast and a cup of coffee. Thats bollocks.  It’s a little kiss and a cuddle from the Jam-eater and the Wife and that’s it.  Then you have the aforementioned big hearty breakfast and realise you have turned into a soppy little shit and your frightened that your 40’s are in sight.  Only messing, I love them really.

 You spend the first three years assuming every mark or stain you find is shit.

Self explanatory this one but I wish someone had told me this before.  At least three  times a day for the first year your in the ‘Shit/Not Shit’ routine.  I think I worked out it was around 24% Shit, 70% not Shit and 6% Unknown.  If you attempt to lick or taste the stain however, due to sods law this changes to 100% shit.  Tasty.

Always-assume-poop

        Source: Instagram user aylarose19

You swear much more politely

 Gone are the days when I can ‘Eff and Jeff’ to my hearts content (I just do this at work now), these are now replaced by ‘Sugar and Gosh’.  Sometimes you can sound like you have time traveled from the 1940’s when the language should be getting a bit tasty.  To be fair I slipped protocol last week and burnt my wrist on the oven and blurted out ‘ARRGHH YOU FU**ER’.  This was promptly repeated by the Jam-eater who was in the dining room bouncing around on her space hopper.  I have yet to recover from the daggers which were glanced at me by Emma, If looks could kill it would have resembled a scene from Game of Thrones.

I am sure everyone is different and I would love to hear what little changes you have come across since being a parent.  Remember, if you haven’t had Nutella in the house then please don’t try and taste the stain, it wont end well.

#tastethestain

 

 

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4 thoughts on “The Things They Don’t Tell You 

  1. I think parents-to-be should really be told in advance that the plethora of brightly coloured, obnoxiously loud plastic crap in their house will grow exponentionally by the week (if not the day) and there will no be one space left unclaimed by something related to their small person.

    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ll never go anywhere quickly again. So if you’re one of those people who hates being late, get over it. Even plans made with military precision incorporating mitigation for all kind of changing events will be undone by a toddler who has just pooped in their new wellies.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish someone told me all this and that baby wipes become your safety net …your one true friend ….also that you’ll never be able to watch anything where a child is harmed doesn’t matter that it’s fiction ….
    really made me laugh…about the going blond bit….?

    Liked by 1 person

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