It’s come to the time of year at work when you are asked to make amendments to your employment benefits. These are things such as Healthcare, Holidays and Life Insurance. While doing this, a few behavioural traits of the Jam-Eater flashed before my eyes and I was hit with a stark realisation. Flo is trying to kill me!
We always say ‘she gets away with murder’, that’s the thing though, could she?! The first piece of the puzzle is that she has been getting more affectionate with me of late, its always been Mammy this and Mammy that in this house but the tide seems to be shifting towards Daddy.
Flo has started to warm to me lately, giving me massive cuddles whenever I leave the house or arrive home. My new opinion however, is that she is simply working me out and luring me into a false sense of security. One day I’ll open up my arms waiting for a massive hug then BAM! She administers a quick kick to the nuts and then she hits me with a WWE style wrestling move and I’m a gonner.
Next is the trail of inappropriately placed toys and Fruit Shoot lids, seriously have you ever stepped on one? Those things sting like a bitch! People say that standing on Lego hurts, the Pussies! Fruit Shoot lids are the ‘king of the stingers’ (barring plugs, those bastards hurt!).
It’s not so bad when they are lying around the kitchen, or wherever she chooses to dump them, however at the top of the stairs or beside our bed is just taking the piss. Its like they are strategically placed there by the Jam-eater.
Another clue that she is plotting my demise is the fact she has started playing hide and seek. This is normal toddler behaviour yes, I appreciate that, but it’s the manner in which she does it. Her cousin will hide behind chairs and doors, not Flo, she has a more sinister approach.
This basically means standing behind curtains, floor lamps and her dolls house staring directly at you, never breaking the stare, then continuing to ‘hide’ until you go about your business. Think of Ralphie, the floating vampire, from the film ‘Salem’s lot’ (below).
I’m sure Flo isn’t plotting my imminent death and this is all mere coincidence but you can never be to careful with a scheming toddler kicking about the house.
Anyway, all my insurance policies are now up to date, but to be honest with you she has the attention span of a goldfish with amnesia.
I think I’m safe for now…or is that just what she wants me to think.