Emma was in the bath with the Jam-eater the other night while I was pottering about getting Flo’s Pyjamas, towel etc sorted to get her ready for bed. The laughter that was coming from the bathroom was infectious, so I followed the sound of laughter and asked what it was all for. Turns out it was all about nipples.
‘Mammy got Booby Buttons’ Flo announces loudly while pointing at Emma’s bangers. Then she points at herself ‘I’ve got booby buttons’ all the while giggling away to anyone who will listen. ‘Daddy’s got booby buttons’,it carried on. Good job the cat was downstairs as I wasn’t prepared to explain why Tonks has eight ‘booby buttons’.
Apparently this conversation progressed from asking what her belly button was called and this then evolved to having ‘booby buttons’. Good sound child logic right there.
The bath time fun led back to a conversation Emma and I had a year or so ago, regarding what is acceptable to call the private bits of boys and girls, when she eventually became aware of them. Anyone who knows me who is reading this, will know how I struggle with being subtle and any name I give to a ladies tuppence is generally enough to make a sailor blush. This is not a job for Daddy alone.
‘Mimsy’, ‘Foo’ and ‘Front bum’ were all approved as ‘Flo Friendly’’ and to be honest, I will stick with whatever is deemed appropriate. No one mentions this shit in ANY parenting guides or classes though, so what exactly is the benchmark for this? Who decides what is acceptable and what isn’t? (leaving out the obvious vulgarities).
One thing is for sure though, when it comes to the crunch and she asks what ‘Boy Bits’ are called, they will have the worst names under the sun like ‘Death Dinkles’ and ‘Devil Balls’. Anything I can do while she is growing up to put her off boys will be done, well at least until my shotgun and torture chair get delivered around her 16th birthday in 2029.
I’ll be damned if I spend the next 13 years championing innocence only to have it ruined by some teenage arsehole, wanting to date her.
I know every Dad must have these thoughts, I just wonder how many have followed through with it.