Sometimes I refer to Florence as the F-Bomb, it used to be because of the mess she made, now it’s due to the mistaken spoken words that are so innocent yet so wrong.
- I’m not going to lie, the air is about to turn a deep shade of blue
When a Toddler learns to talk its funny when certain words are pronounced incorrectly or when they just sound cute. The Jam-eater refers to the colour purple (not the film, the colour) as ‘Purkey’ for instance. Anyway, it stops being funny when the words become profanities.
The most recent example was due to the Cbeebies show ‘Swashbuckle’. It’s basically just adults pratting around pretending to be Pirates. They have a cheer which they use, see below, it’s a lyrical masterclass.
‘Eye patch, Eye patch
Swashbuckle cheer, AHA!’
Now for some reason Flo decides to walk around shouting:
‘Eye patch, Eye patch
Ya Fucker AHA!’
I have no idea how the smallest of maritime shanties has been translated into her head as that smut.
The worst part was a few weeks ago we were in Sainsbury’s and Flo decided to start singing the shanty, her version, and decided to drop the initial eye patch lines. This resulted, at volume, in the Jam-eater shouting ‘YA FUCKER, AHA! YA FUCKER, AHA!
At this stage we hurried out of the shop and bundled Flo into the car in a scene that resembled a New York Mafia style kidnapping and sped away while the slightest flicker of our dignity was intact.
Before that we had ‘Blacktruck-gate’, this was another awkward one but thankfully its limited to the confines of our car. Flo likes to shout the colour and type of car when she is travelling, it’s really cute hearing her shout out ‘Yellow car’ or ‘Blue Van’. Shit really goes south though when there is a black truck approaching. Lets just say I’m glad she has got rid of this phase as hearing ‘Black cock, Black Cock’ being shouted loudly by your toddler makes you go the deepest shade of beetroot red.
A few weeks ago we took Flo to see the Gruffalo at a local park and in the distance we could see the seven-foot-tall wicker statue of said beast. Flo was a little scared so we made conversation with her and asked her what her favourite animal in the book was. Her reply, ‘The Fucks’. Emma looked at me shocked. ‘What did you say honey?’ Flo replied sternly and giddily screaming ‘The Fucks, I like the Fucks’
Our exit was a quick one to say the least.